the root of it.
my OCD tendencies have always been a significant part of my life. for as long as i can remember, i go crazy over the littlest details of things. as a child, my room was completely spotless. every single item had a place, and i would know if someone had touched something. every week i would wash my bedding. every season i would rearrange my room. every spring break was ‘spring cleaning’- i would spend the entire week cleaning every inch of my bedroom. ive always shrugged it off as normal, its just who i am. it wasnt until more recent years that ive started to ponder the root of my obsession with details. why do i care so much? why is it so bothersome to live in a disorganized environment. so many people seem to function just fine in a messy world. why does it irk my soul to see things in disarray?
more recently ive started to realize that i spent so much time in my room as a child because my parents fought so much. if the weather was pleasant- i would escape to the backyard and play with my sister or in solitude. but if the weather wasnt permitting, i would lock myself in my room to avoid the hatred that floated through the house. my dad and stepmom would scream, yell, curse, throw and break things…they’d put on pretty violent shows, and would do so frequently…daily…
they say that people who obsess over controlling little details do so because there are problems in their lives that they cannot control. the violence that i witnessed between my parents wasnt something i had no control over. so what resulted was my obsessing over anything and everything else that i could control. after several years, this habit became a chronic disorder.
its a common assumption that people with OCD are super organized, extremely clean and productive individuals. if that were true- then it wouldnt be called obsessive compulsive disorder. the term ‘disorder’ would be replaced with ‘talent’ or ‘gift’. it is a disorder because it negatively affects one’s ability to get through daily life.
so what does this mean for me? to hell if i know. guess it means i have ocd? ive never been diagnosed, and will probably never go see a doctor about it. if i could harness this disorder, i may be able to use it to my advantage. turn this obsession into a productive thing.
